1. The Kalpoe brothers and Vander Sloot have not yet been charged with any crime.
2. It appears the theory of the new Prosecutor is an accidental death resulting from some form of criminal negligence.
3. Aruban authorities are not required to reveal the evidence they possess until charges are actually filed so it is a real challenge for the defense to counter at this theory.
4. There is speculation that this is one last “fishing Expedition” in the case as the Aruban statute of limitations is a concern for the prosecution.
5. The possibility of any new physical evidence is minimal. Most likely there is some new testimonial evidence.
6. Defense lawyers would be advising their clients to continue to be carefully cooperative. At the same time the defense is probably seeking sources of information from inside the prosecutor’s office.

This past Wednesday, hundreds of miniature Americans came knocking at my door looking for free stuff. They didn’t want jobs. They didn’t want education. They didn’t even want a chance to start over. These little leeches wanted candy and they expected Eddie Lubitsch and every other tax payer on the block to give it to them...free of charge with no strings attached. In return for these “treats” they gave me an implied promise not to perform “tricks”. In other words, if I paid them off, they wouldn’t soap my windows or throw eggs at my Studebaker. This isn’t cute, this is extortion and it’s time for it to stop.

The little mini-mafioso dressed up in disguises so that I wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a lineup and rang my doorbell in broad daylight. When I opened the door, they chimed out with their whiny little bird voices “trick or treat” and held open pillowcases already brimming with sugary booty they scammed from other people on the block.

They think I don’t know who they are behind their masks and makeup but I know who they are and I wrote down their names so that when they grow up and get jobs I can track them down and bill them for the candy they bilked me out of.

These munchkins today get enough free stuff without having to put the arm on upstanding citizens and people on a fixed income when it comes to Halloween. For starters, they get to go to school for free. There is no cost to learn how to read and write yet the little buggers fight their teachers every step of the way. They get a free desk to sit at, free books to draw lewd pictures in, and even free movies to watch during the classes on hygiene and sex education. Free, free, free. Then at recess, they get a free school yard to play in with balls and bats and all sorts of playground equipment that they use for free. They don’t have a worry in the world and all we ask in return is that they learn how to be productive citizens so there is somebody to take over the country when the rest of us croak off and go into real estate.

So these kiddos think they are owed everything. They think the world is their oyster and everything should be handed to them on a silver platter. Well I have news for you little rug rats, the world is not your oyster, it is your bottom feeding mud muncher and it is a cruel and ugly world out there and just because you are getting off Scott free today, don’t think that the gravy train is going to carry you into the future. You have got to work in this country to make a living and it is high time that you started. So Eddie Lubitsch is proposing a new ordinance to make Halloween less like a handout and more like work. It’s called Eddie’s Law and it goes like this.

Next year, on Halloween, you still get to dress up in your funny, or scary, or just plain stupid costumes but it’s no more free lunch for you...although if all you eat for lunch is candy you will eventually get piles and have to go to the hospital where they will do things to you that you won’t even find in a haunted house, so forewarned is forearmed. But I digress.

With Eddie’s Law, if you want to get some candy, you are going to have to work for it. For instance, if you want to jam a Snicker’s bar in your bag, you also have to take a double handful of dead leaves that are currently littering my lawn. Normally I would have to rake the leaves myself and put them in garbage bags to be picked up, but since you are here and you want some goodies, you are going to haul Eddie’s leaves away for him. Show me the leaves in your bag and I will show you the Good N Plenty.

If you don’t want to pick up dead leaves, there are other ways you can earn your prize. I have a lot of junk around my house that needs to go to the dump and I don’t have the time or the pickup truck to get it there. So, for every piece of candy you get, you will also have to cart away some of Eddie’s junk. Maybe it’s a broken toaster, maybe it’s a broken piece of drywall, maybe it’s some old pizza boxes and a sack of coffee grounds. Whatever I have laying around that needs to be pitched, you take it or it’s no sweet treats for you. It is a simple system of give and take.

If you decide in your immature little mush brain that you don’t want to help old Eddie out in this manner, you can still get candy by the simple system of barter and trade. You want my candy and I want something in return so bring along some stuff to swap.

Maybe, before you go out for your night of begging, you should go through daddy’s wallet and take out all of those green pieces of paper he keeps in there. You can’t eat paper you know and even if you could, it wouldn’t taste as good as a sackful of skittles. If there’s no paper in dad’s wallet, look in mom’s kitchen cupboards and see what there is to trade. You don’t like vegetables anyhow so why not swap a can of green beans for an everlasting gobstobbler? It makes sense to me and I bet it makes sense to you to, and that is all I am trying to do is to drive some sense into the youth of America so that they can take over some day...heaven help us.

And it is the fact that I give like this until it hurts, that makes me the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

You want to know what’s pushing my buttons this week John? Well I’ll tell you, it’s the fact that I have to push buttons. That’s right buttons, and I have to push more and more of them every day. Take my phone for instance. When I was a little Lubitsch, phones had dials, hence the term, “dial the phone” but nowadays, dials on phones have been replaced by buttons. There are buttons for the numbers 1 thru 9 and zero, just like we had on the dials, but now they have added the “pound sign” and the “star sign.” I want to know why.

There are no phone numbers in existence that contain either the pound sign or the star sign but they are still on my phone and I don’t like it. I also have to push more buttons than ever before whenever I make a call. Because we have too many people in this country with far too many phones, I now have to dial a 1 plus the area code even when I am calling within my own area code. What is the purpose of having an area code if I have to use it in my own area? If I am calling my next door neighbor, I have to push eleven buttons, hell, it would be easier to just go next door and push one button...the door bell.

Now, let’s assume that I push all of the necessary buttons to get through to somebody like the electric company, or the post office, or the Center for Senior Incontinence. First of all, nobody is going to answer the phone live, instead I get a recording that makes me press more buttons. First, I have to press 1 to continue in English. Excuse me, but I thought I was placing a call in America for crying out loud. And in America English is the default language, so I shouldn’t have to press another button just to get the same language I already speak. If you want to make your recording multi-lingual, good for you, but make them press more buttons, not me, a red blooded English speaking American.

After I press the button to speak English, I have to press more buttons depending on who I want to talk to. For service, press one; for repairs, press two, for sales, press three, for the person who concocted this system, press 666. I get so upset about pressing buttons on my phone that I just want to relax with a cup of coffee, but to make a cup of coffee, I have to press more buttons.

I have to press a button to grind the coffee, press a button to brew the coffee, and press yet another button to open the garage door so that I can get in my car and go down to the 7-11 to buy a cup of coffee because I obviously don’t know what the hell I am doing in the kitchen because I forgot to put the coffee pot under the spout where the coffee comes out and now I have the Hill’s Brothers flowing all over the floor.

So I turn on the TV set by PRESSING A BUTTON and change the channel by pressing more buttons and if I don’t press the right buttons the TV goes blank or switches to the VCR or locks onto Telemundo so I can’t understand a darn thing so I try to press 1 for English but that doesn’t work now.

So I leave the TV running amuck and try my luck on the computer but now I am faced with nothing but buttons. I have buttons on the keyboard, buttons on the mouse, buttons, buttons, buttons, it is enough to make me lose my buttons...or my marbles, I don’t even know which one I have any more.

You know what I think of when I hear the words, “Push Button Remote”, I think it means Push Over Remote because the company that makes them thinks I am a pushover because I am using their remote...or so they think. Maybe, I am actually going over to the TV or the Radio and turning it on without using their stinking remote? Maybe I just press the buttons on the TV itself and to hell with their push over remote control. Eddie Lubitsch isn’t a pushover and I don’t need their buttons. I will press the buttons while standing next to the TV set, just like may grandfather did...or would have done had he not died before TV was invented but you know what I mean. I can completely eliminate one set of buttons from my life and if I think about it, I can eliminate some more.

For starters, the doorbell is no longer an option at the Lubitsch estate. If you want to come in you are going to have to use your bare knuckles to knock on my aluminum screen door, so try to knock on the frame instead of the screen part because that doesn’t make any noise and you might punch a hole in it, thus letting flies and mosquitoes inside so I have go and get the can of Raid to kill them and the only way I can activate it is by...PRESSING THE BUTTON – thus eliminating any button gain I had made.

I am even considering having my navel removed with a navelectomy so that I won’t have a belly button any more, but I’ll still have a hot button and somebody is pressing it.

I tell you John, I am ready to press the panic button because we have too many buttons, and the one that worries me most is the one that is in the White House, you know, the button that, when pressed, will launch nuclear missiles – or in the words of the monkey who has his finger on that button – Nuke-ular missiles thus bringing an effective end to life as we know it and I for one am not ready to place a call to the grim reaper quite yet, and, in fact, couldn’t if I wanted to because I don’t know what buttons to press to get a hold of him. So maybe I should just button my lip and slip on a button down collar and stop buttin in to everybody else’s business, but if I did that, I would no longer be known as the Last Angry Lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

Well, it’s time somebody called them out on this and I guess I’m the guy who has to do it. First, let’s start with the democrats. Everybody and their brother is picking Hillary Clinton to win the nomination but I think they are counting their chickens just a little too early. They think that if Hillary wins the election, that Bill will be back in the White House and she will listen to whatever he says. Yeah, right, that’s going to happen. This woman has been waiting 10 years for payback over Bill’s little tea time tryst and if she gets in power, she is going to spend her time making his life miserable.

Not only will Bill not have any input into how the country is run into the ground, but my guess is that he will be sleeping on the presidential couch and taking his meals in his room. And has anybody given any thought to what it would be like to have a girl president in this country? We have had men presidents for our entire history and now, all of a sudden, everybody thinks a woman prez would be a good idea. Personally, I think it would be too big of a shock to our political system, to go from a history of all men to a woman. I think the transition from a man to a woman needs to be a little more gradual. I think we should first elect a transvestite and see how that works out.

If I were Barack Obama or John Edwards, I would push the fact that Hillary is a woman to the max. I’d ask questions like, “What’s going to happen when she meets the queen of England? Is she going to bow? Are they going to shake hands? Or are they going to hug each other and scream Girl Power?”

Now, on to the Republicans, who seem to be about as organized as Siamese twins in a hockey game. These mopes have no idea what they are doing. First of all, the leading contenders are Fred Thomson, Rudy Giulianni, and John McCain, who between them, they have had eight wives. The other front runner is Mitt Romney, the Mormon, who ironically is the only guy to have only one wife. And among Rudy and Fred and John, Oh My, the wives they currently have are of the trophy variety, younger than them and hotter than they deserve. What’s it going to be like to have these babes prancing around the White House and doing lunch with their girlfriends. It will be like Sex In The City without a plot line I tell you.

And as far as Romney is concerned, he has to do something about his name to even have a chance in this election. No voter who gives it a second thought is going to elect a guy named Mitt. I can see it now. They will be calling him President Glove. And what’s going to happen on opening day of baseball season. Are we really going to go for President Mitt, putting on his mitt, and tossing out the first pitch. No, it’s too cartoonish. He would have a much better chance if he changed his name to something more masculine...like Hillary.

Then there are the independent candidates of which I am the leading contender. I make that statement because as of yet, I don’t have a clue as to who else is out there so I am making my stand as the independent front runner, and if you elect me president, I can promise you that things are going to be different.

For starters, I’m not even going t move into the White house. With the kids out of the house, Estelle and I don’t need that much room. So we will just stay in out little bungalow in Peoria and run the country from there. What better place to have your finger on the pulse of the action than in America’s heartland. We could then lease out the White House as high price condos and make enough money to put a dent in the national debt.

This brings me to another problem we have, taxes. Oh I know nobody likes to talk about taxes and nobody likes to pay taxes, but according to the other candidates running for office, an increase in taxes is the only thing we can do to get more money into the government. The problem with these people is that they just aren’t thinking, and thinking is one of the things a president should be able to do. If we need more money to run the country, all we have to do is do what any other red blooded American family would do if they need a little extra money. We’ll hold a national garage sale.

We have a lot of stuff currently clogging up our archives, our museums, and our national basement, so I say put it all out on the White House lawn and invite the citizens to go shopping. Some idiot paid three quarters of a million dollars for Barry Bonds home run ball, just think how much he’ll pay for an original copy of the Bill of Rights, or Dolly Madison’s cookie recipe, or even Monica Lewinski’s blue dress. We have a veritable treasure trove on our hands and it is time to cash in.

So when you go to the polls next year, think twice about who you want to lead our country; a boring, crooked, and somewhat slimy politician...or Eddie Lubitsch, the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

Obesity is rapidly becoming America’s number one health problem and it is time to stop the insanity. It is time to shed those pounds you have strapped on your ass and bolted onto your mid-section and leave some food for the rest of us. It is time to get your gross tonnage down to the point where you only need one belt. It is time to stop affecting the tides. It is time for you to go back to the beach without being confused for beached sea mammal. It is time for you to chuck your chunkyness. And you can thank the heavens that Eddie Lubitsch is here to help you.

I can feel your pain Pudge, but I can also feel the strain on your pants. I was once a blubber butt myself but one day I woke up with my face in a fudge brownie and as I licked the frosting from my fingers, I knew I had to do something...and so do you. So, if you want to help the world by freeing up more oxygen for the rest of us, here’s what you need to do.

First, I want you to take a good look at yourself naked in a mirror. What do you see? Who knows because your wide load is unviewable in a regular full length mirror. In order to see both sides of your body at the same time, you would have to stand a mile away. An alternative is to look at your self naked in a full length three-way mirror but you might get asked to leave Nordstroms immediately.

Now that you have a better idea of how hefty you are, it’s time to change your eating habits. First off, I’m going to cut you down to three meals a day. No more snacks, no more between meal meals, no more midnight noshing. You get three meals and you can eat all you want. You just have to eat with different utensils.

All soup and cereal, for instance, must be eaten with a fork. Spaghetti is eaten using only one chopstick. And a T-bone steak must be eaten with a plastic spoon. No fingers, no help, and no pushing your snout into the plate either. After 30 minutes or so of trying to get a mouthful of chow into your choppers, you will give up. Net intake, zero calories.

Next, you’ve got to exercise. You have to burn some blubber by moving more than your thumb on the remote control. First, you have to walk. I suggest you walk at least two miles a day, and after two weeks, you will be 28 miles from home and much thinner. You also have to lift a few weights, and not the 12 ounce canned variety. You’ve got to start yanking some barbells and pressing some dead weight. I’d tell you to do a pushup or two but we have to start small, and there is nothing on you that is small, Fats.

You’re going to have to start eating stuff that is good for you too. Pizza, for instance is no good. It’s high in calories, high in fat, and has zero grams of fiber. And fiber is important, especially when you’re my age and a bowel movement becomes a major part of your day. So you can still order a pie but don’t eat the pizza, just eat the box. It will have some pizza flavor and it is nothing but fiber.

The most important step in Eddie’s weight loss program is that in order for you to lose weight, you have to look thinner right off the bat. You want to think that you are making immediate progress and that’s where our secret ingredient comes into play. When you sign up for Eddie’s Weight Loss treatment, we send three men over to your house to wrap your body in duct tape. They will pull, and strain, and stretch and will wrap your full massiveness like a mummy until you look 30 pounds thinner. Of course, it will be impossible for you to move, so you will not be able to eat and thus the weight will melt right off. Plus, when you finally remove the tape, you get a full body waxing for free.

Of course, I know that none of this is going to be easy but when you are finally able to get on a fortune-telling scale and not have the card come out reading, “One At A Time”, you will be very happy. You’ll be able to stand in the sun and not cast a shadow that others seek out to escape the heat. You will be able to fit in a vehicle that doesn’t have 18 wheels. You will be able to see your feet. It will be a glorious day.

So start right now. Back away from that Ho Ho. Put the Big Mac back in the bag. Dump the donuts in the dust bin, and start living life as a normal sized person. And when you get there, remember that you have Eddie Lubitsch to thank. And if you follow all of my tips and still don’t lose weight, well, then, I guess I’ll have to eat my words...which have no calories and are fat free.

And over consumption, is one of the things that makes me the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

First, he said that women are all free to do what they want to do in Iran...as long as they wear those black ninja suits and walk ten feet behind their men. Then he said that they have no homosexuals in Iraq. Why? Because they stone them to death. If you come out of the closet in Iran, you had better be wearing a suit of armor because those crazy fanatics are going to chuck rocks at you.

Ahmadinejad – whose name translates to “So full of crap that my eyes are brown” also wants more research done on the Holocaust because he doesn’t think it really happened. Well, Mahmoudy, if it didn’t happen, Persia never became Iran, and you were never born. You are a dingus sir and there is nothing you can do or say that will convince me otherwise. And quite honestly, I don’t care that you are a dingus. What bothers me is that you are doing your best to convince millions of others to follow you in your dingus-ness. So let’s face the facts.

First, you do not live in a peace loving nation as you claim. You live in a sand filled hell hole chocked full of people who hate everybody and everything because you tell them to. If you really want to do something nice for your people why don’t you let them go dancing, or have a toga party, or put in a water park for crying out loud so at least they can cool off from the lead-melting heat you people have over there.

Second, you know and we know that you are not going to use enriched uranium for peaceful energy production. What do you need energy for? So that your citizens can power up their pool filters, and HiDef TVs and computers with access to the internet? I don’t think so. Your power needs could be met by a hamster on an exercise wheel.

And speaking of power, don’t you think it would have been a good idea for a man of your position to address the United Nations – the only thing standing between you and a mushroom cloud – while wearing a tie? You looked like a bum for crying out loud. We have street people here in the US of A who dress better than you. And every one of our homosexuals dresses better than you – you can make book on that.

And how about learning a little bit of the language Abdul? When John F Kennedy spoke to the East Germans in 1962, he at least learned enough German to say “Ich bin ein Berliner” so I think you could at least learn a couple of English phrases like “How’s it goin’?” or “Go Cubs” but noooo. You are too freaking lazy or too busy repressing your own people to do that.

We know that you hate us and you know what? The feeling is mutual. And not only do we know that you hate us, we know why you hate us. You hate us because in our country we are allowed to have fun. That’s right, fun, something you and your fellow countrymen know nothing about. I know you don’t have any fun because you told us yourself. I know for a fact that you have no entertainment. Why? Because you have no homosexuals. There is no way you can have any type of theater scene with no gay people. You’d have no set dressers, no costume designers, and of course, no male dancers.

I know you don’t have fun things like casinos, or theme parks, or even Stuckey’s for crying out loud. How can you call yourself a civilization without Stuckeys? For all I know, there aren’t even any Starbucks in your country and that is a sad sad thing.

And I won’t even get started on your women but I think it’s is safe to say that Miss Iran never has to worry about what she is going to wear to the Miss Universe pageant.

You people need to lighten up. You need to get some good old brainless reality TV over there in Camelville. How about “Milking Sheep With The Stars” or “Wife Swap – Irani Edition”. No, that wouldn’t be any good because in those burkas everybody looks alike and they’re not allowed to talk, so with no difference, it would be a dumb idea.

I know, what about your own edition of “Survivor”? We drop the bomb and you try to avoid getting voted off the planet.

Here’s another hot idea. Open a comedy club so your people can get a chuckle or two. You could be the emcee and I’ll even give you an opening joke. “My nephew is only 9 years old and already he’s a terrorist fighting the infidels. Ah, they blow up so fast.” Why don’t you stick that in your water pipe and choke it, or better yet, let me come over and choke you myself, because I am Eddie Lubitsch, the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

Judge Hudson who will sentence Vick on December 10th ordered Vick confined to his Virginia home between 10:00 pm and 6:00 am with an electronic monitoring device. Vick will also be required to undergo random drug tests.

If Vick fails another drug test he will likely end up in jail like his co-defendant Quanis Phillips who has been incarcerated since his August 17 plea hearing.

Phillips failed a drug test when he had the electronic monitoring and drug testing requirements.

Judge Hudson can take the violation of conditions of release into consideration when he sentences Vick. Vick faces up to five years in federal prison on the charges on which he is awaiting sentencing.

If this were not enough problems for Vick, the Commonwealth of Virginia has filed state charges on Vick that mirror the presently pending federal matter.

Jurors accepted the prosecutions theory that Jeffs advice to the 14 year old church member to obey her husband and submit to his requests amounted to accomplice behavior.

The accuser, Elissa Wall testified that Jeffs told her she must marry her 19 year old first cousin, Allen Steed whom she disliked. To defy Jeffs meant darkness and virtual excommunication from the church.

A few weeks later according to her account, Steed said it was time “to be a wife and do your duty.”

After they consummated the marriage he fell asleep, she swallowed two bottles of pain pills.

On Wednesday, prosecutors filed rape charges against Steed a day after Jeffs’ conviction.

Judge Larry Paul Fidler declared a mistrial and scheduled the case to return next Wednesday for re-setting.

The case will be tried again. There is no way that the prosecution would dismiss a case that receive 10 votes for guilty.

When the case is retried the prosecution will most likely do two things differently … they will widen the latitude of their theory to include scenarios much like those the judge described in his modified instruction given after the initial 7-5 deadlock was announced… and, the prosecution will almost assuredly ask for lesser included instructions to increase the probability of a final conviction.

The defense on the other hand will continue to emphasis the crime scene evidence and perhaps modify their witness list to include some additional forensics experts and to exclude some of the witnesses that made a poor impression on the observing public.

The next trial can be expected to commence no sooner than a year from now.

One the CHP officer approached Sutherland he detected an odor of alcohol and determined that Sutherland may be driving under the influence.

After the officer had Sutherland perform certain field sobriety tests the officer determined he had probable cause to arrest Sutherland for driving under the influence.

A breath test showed Sutherland exceeded the state’s .08 B.A.C.

Because Sutherland has a prior DUI in November 2004, this case could result in up to one year in jail and up to a $1,000 fine.

The Los Angeles City Attorney will file charges and then Sutherland will have to decide if he will enter a plea or dispute the charges.